Santa is evil, EVIL I SAY

Santa brings toys to all the good little girls and boys. That's the corporate line we've been fed since we were children. But I'm telling you it just aint true.

Santa isn't a good guy. He's pure evil. Who is he to say if someone was naughty or nice? He's a dictator, a renegade making moral judgements about you. Supposedly, he rewards good behavior, but what does he consider good behavior. That behavior, however, is never specifically spelled out. Does it even exist? Who is to say there is an absolute good or evil? Apparently, Santa Claus. It seems to be far to relativistic for me. So, I'm saying there is no good behavior, just behavior he likes and dislikes.

Don't let Santa fool you into his relativstic moralism, bound by social norms and unthinking compliance. Throw off the shackles and chains of Christmas repression.



Top ten signs Santa Hates You
1. It's always me, me, me. How about thinking about Santa for once, you ungrateful little bastards.

2. Know what he made those new gloves out of? Your pony.

3. You were good all year and you still got a lump of coal.

4. He gave your asshole cousin a Lexus and you get socks.

5. You got a Christmas sweater that says "Santa Hates You."

6. You reach into your stocking hoping for yummy candy and you get reindeer poop.

7. You wake up in the morning to find a reindeer head in your bed.

8. Take a hot shower on xmas morning, get out and find "Ho, Ho, Dead" has been written on the mirror's condensation.

9. Why does the nog taste like pee?

10. The holiday ham has been violated.

Bad Things Santa Does in Your House
1. That ain't egg nog in the fridge.

2. He took the last can of Who Hash. (That may not be Santa)

3. He stole your mom's favorite necklace and framed the house cleaner.

4. Two words: Milk backwash.

5. He likes to sniff your dirty socks.

6. His philosophy is, if it's yellow its mellow.

7. Ever wonder why your daughter's cheeks are so rosy? No one else in the family has them.

9. Wonder why that new sweater is all stretched out of shape?

10. In Southern latitudes he wears little more than a thong, and he likes to sit on your couch