Holiday travel tips

It's the biggest holiday traveling time of the year -- Thanksgiving Day.

It's a hassle. There are tons of people and long waits, but what are you going to do? Well, here are a few tips to make the holiday travel time and that lovely dinner with relatives a little more relaxing and even profitable.

Pat downs -- This is the newest annoyance at the airport. Either you get a naked picture taken, or you have to go through an invasive pat down. How you you deal with this? Simple. Ask for the pat down and then pretend you like it WAY TOO MUCH. As soon as he or she gets down to the goods start loudly proclaiming "OH YEAH, THAT'S IT. GET IN THERE. SLAP IT. TOUCH IT. SWEET GOD THAT'S GOOD. I'VE HIDDEN A SAWBUCK SOMEWHERE, FIND IT BABY." Make them as uncomfortable as you.

Long waits -- It could be at the airport, the train station or just at the grocery store, but sooner or later you are going to be stuck somewhere for a while. Well, why not grab that opportunity and make some cab fare. Bring a collapsable stripper pole everywhere you go. When the wait time starts to pile up, set it up and start dancing. Then that sweet sweet cash will start coming your way. But you say, "I'm not pretty enough to bring in the Benjamins." Well, that's just stinking thinking. It only takes four quarters to make a dollar. Shake it enough and you'll get that cash.

Boring drives -- You know it's five hours to Aunt Euphengenia's house, and I know it's five hours to Aunt Euphegenia's house, but there's no way to change that. What we have to change is our attitude about the drive. Mess with other drivers. If you're a hot babe pull up to a dad wagon and take off that top. Wacky hijinks will ensue. Tell the kids you are fleeing the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Their frightened, worried faces and tears of fear should be hours of fun. If all else fails -- Highway Car Derby.

Bad family food -- Oh joy, Memaw brought her cod and cream casserole again and she spiced it up with some Durkin's Fried Onions. Last time you tried that you spent a week on the loo. But you don't want to hurt Memaw's feelings. She went through the Great Depression and that was the best crap they had back then. Hide a funnel in your lap and cover it with your napkin. The funnel is attached to a tube that feeds into a large ziploc bag. Everytime you take a forkful of cod and cream dump it into the funnel and fill that bag with goodness. On your way home drop it off at the homeless shelter. Waste not, want not.

Those awful relatives -- We've all got the bad relatives. You know who I'm talking about. There's Aunty Alcky who has been drinking nonstop since 1964 and is still holding a grudge over something Memaw told her in 1932. And there's Uncle Pervy, who tries to make you sit on his lap so he can try to cop a feel while he's telling you the story of the Miracle of the Christmas Hooker. Well, let's put a stop to that, shall we. Forget the kids table, have a jerk table. Put all of the reasonable relatives at one table on one side of the house and all of the wastes of space on the other side. Give them canned ham and Buddig sliced turkey so they have something to complain about and then provide a couple boxes of fortified wine. Close the door and forget about them until it's time to mop up. Problem solved.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving