Splenda Daddy

Oh, sure, we've all heard of the sugar daddy. We know what he brings to the game. He's got money and is perfectly willing to use it to buy the woman he wants.

But there's another man out there: Splenda Daddy. He'll dote on his lovely lass with all the gusto of a sugar daddy. Telling her what she needs to hear and making sure she's taken care of. But he ain't gonna go broke for no woman no how.


Splenda Daddy vs Sugar Daddy

Sweet Thang: Get me a cool ride.

Sugar Daddy: Here you go baby: a Mercedes convertible.
Splenda Daddy: Here you go baby: It's my old Toyota Corolla. I got the engine fixed for you. Ya, it don't have no back seat anymore.

Sweet Thang: Baby I need some bling.

Sugar Daddy: A diamond necklace and a Sapphire ring.
Splenda Daddy: I got you a ring pop and a candy necklace.

Sweet Thang: I need some clothes.

Sugar Daddy: Prada and Versace. Nothing is too good for my girl.
Splenda Daddy: Let's go to the Gap. My mom gave me a gift card for my last birthday.

Sweet Thang: Take me some place nice.

Sugar Daddy: I'll take you to the best restaurant in town for steak and lobster. Don't forget the champagne. Then we'll go to the club.
Splenda Daddy: I'll make you a steak on the bbq. Then I'll take you to the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica and watch the free street entertainers.

Sweet Thang: Get me plastic surgery so I'll look hotter for you.

Sugar Daddy: You'd better. Here's some cash, get some boobs and fix that face.
Splenda Daddy: You're fine the way you are, but if you want boobs I'll pay for them. But it's going to be on the installment plan, so you'll be lopsided for a few months.

Sweet Thang: I don't have to care about you, do I?

Sugar Daddy: No. Just look good and do what I want when I tell you to.
Splenda Daddy: If you don't then leave.

30 years later
Old Thang: You still want me?

Sugar Daddy: Who the hell are you?
Splenda Daddy: All that money I saved bought us a retirement home in Hawaii. Let's go.