Lately, I've been having similar dreams over and over. It's not the same dream, but the theme is always pretty similar. I recognize that most of my dreams are just me dealing with things that I see in my life, whether I consciously notice them or not.
There's always the not making deadline dream, or the dream of being back in high school even though I know I've long graduated. Simple enough to figure out they are failure dreams. Usually, I get those dreams because of stress at work or because we've had another round of layoffs and the paper is getting worse and worse. So, failure dreams seem appropriate.
These recent dreams are more subtle, but more disturbing. They seem to indicate that either I feel alienated or that I am alienated from people. They even suggest that I'm allowing or encouraging that alienation. And I might be.
I won't say that I'm not. The one thing the scientologists have right and the reason they can really draw in the suckers is that their founding principle is that we sabotage ourselves. What can I do about it? According to the dreams, not much.
Anyway, here's a couple of the dreams I've had in the last couple weeks:
Liz and I are jogging back to a hotel after doing something on vacation. I'm falling a little behind because the trail is a little dangerous and I'm not in great shape. At some point, she gets tired of waiting for me to catch up and says something rude and that she'll see me later. Then she runs off. I tell her to stop and she does, says "why should I?" then turns around and runs away.
I get back to the hotel a few minutes after her and she's already changed into dinner clothes and says, "Hurry up, we'll be late for our reservations." I say I need to take a shower and she says she's not waiting and leaves.
I decide that she doesn't need me there, so I change, pack, pay the hotel bill and leave. The end.
Hmmm. Guess I'm a quitter. On to the next one.
I'm at a big party with lots of friends at a restaurant. We have to pay before we can eat, so we're figuring out the check and one asks how much tip we should leave. I say 15 percent is fine. Another friend says 19, so we don't look cheap. I argue a little that 15 is perfectly acceptable,but everyone now wants 19 so we don't look cheap. I say fine.
As I'm looking through my pockets for my money, everyone slips away into the crowd. I find my cash look up and everyone I came with is gone. I look around the restaurant's main dining room and can't find my group.
So I go outside and look around the back patio. Nope, still don't see them. Everyone has broken into groups of friends. I look around a little more and I notice these groups all have their backs to me. I walk around the front and find that I can only look through the windows of the restaurant now. I see the door, but I don't see any reason to go in if there's no one in there who wants me to be around. So I stand on the front patio and look into the dark past the parking lot and the restaurant's sign. And then i walk away.
Kind of lame. The dreams bother me because in each of them I have the feeling like I've already accepted this. These are memories, not changeable future actions.
Are they just memories? Is it already too late? Maybe. Is there anything I can do?
Well, on one hand, not much. If someone doesn't want to be part of my life anymore I can't really make them stay around. Goodbye and good luck.
However, if I'm pushing people away, that's my fault and I can do something about that. I need to be more aware of how I'm treating people, and I need to make sure I do try to include my friends in my life better. In other words, be more open and make sure that I'm open to them.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Down in the Valley
Sep 30, 2007
Down in the Valley
Down in the Valley
I walked one day
My heart heavy with sin
And I called out God's name
No one answered
Down in the Valley
I walked one day
Birdsong filled the air
I whistled back
And the world fell silent
Down in the Valley
I walked one day
A man met me on the road
I nodded my head in greeting
Then I noticed he was blind
Down in the Valley I walked one day
And I knew I was alone
Down in the Valley
Down in the Valley
I walked one day
My heart heavy with sin
And I called out God's name
No one answered
Down in the Valley
I walked one day
Birdsong filled the air
I whistled back
And the world fell silent
Down in the Valley
I walked one day
A man met me on the road
I nodded my head in greeting
Then I noticed he was blind
Down in the Valley I walked one day
And I knew I was alone
Sasquatch update
Oct 28, 2007
Sasquatch update
There is a brand new set of Bigfoot photos getting into the news this week. See the photos at www.bfro.net. Here's the main story:
RIDGWAY, Pa. (Oct. 28) - It's furry and walks on all fours. Beyond that, about the only thing certain about the critter photographed by a hunter's camera is that some people have gotten the notion it could be a Sasquatch, or bigfoot. Others say it's just a bear with a bad skin infection.
Hunter Rick Jacobs shot a photo, right, that some believe is a bigfoot creature. He captured the images on Sept. 16 in the Allegheny National Forest, northeast of Pittsburgh.
Rick Jacobs says he got the pictures from a camera with an automatic trigger that he fastened to a tree in the Allegheny National Forest, about 115 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, hoping to photograph deer.
"We couldn't figure out what they were," Jacobs said of the images captured on Sept. 16. "I've been hunting for years and I've never seen anything like this."
He contacted the Bigfoot Research Organization, which pursues reports of a legendary two-legged creature that some people believe lives in parts of the U.S. and Canada. The group posted a photo captured by Jacobs on its Web site, www.bfro.net.
"It appears to be a primate-like animal. In my opinion, it appears to be a juvenile Sasquatch," said Paul Majeta of the bigfoot group.
However, the Pennsylvania Game Commission has a more conventional opinion. Agency spokesman Jerry Feaser said conservation officers routinely trap bears to be tagged and often see animals that look like the photos. It's a skinny mangy bear.
Top ten Big Foot nicknames
10. Big Feets
9. Kevin
8. Skunk Ape
7. Dude
6. Sasquatch
5. Abominable Snowman
4. Guy in a Gorilla suit
3.Yeti
2. Croatian
1. Dad
Sasquatch update
There is a brand new set of Bigfoot photos getting into the news this week. See the photos at www.bfro.net. Here's the main story:
RIDGWAY, Pa. (Oct. 28) - It's furry and walks on all fours. Beyond that, about the only thing certain about the critter photographed by a hunter's camera is that some people have gotten the notion it could be a Sasquatch, or bigfoot. Others say it's just a bear with a bad skin infection.
Hunter Rick Jacobs shot a photo, right, that some believe is a bigfoot creature. He captured the images on Sept. 16 in the Allegheny National Forest, northeast of Pittsburgh.
Rick Jacobs says he got the pictures from a camera with an automatic trigger that he fastened to a tree in the Allegheny National Forest, about 115 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, hoping to photograph deer.
"We couldn't figure out what they were," Jacobs said of the images captured on Sept. 16. "I've been hunting for years and I've never seen anything like this."
He contacted the Bigfoot Research Organization, which pursues reports of a legendary two-legged creature that some people believe lives in parts of the U.S. and Canada. The group posted a photo captured by Jacobs on its Web site, www.bfro.net.
"It appears to be a primate-like animal. In my opinion, it appears to be a juvenile Sasquatch," said Paul Majeta of the bigfoot group.
However, the Pennsylvania Game Commission has a more conventional opinion. Agency spokesman Jerry Feaser said conservation officers routinely trap bears to be tagged and often see animals that look like the photos. It's a skinny mangy bear.
Top ten Big Foot nicknames
10. Big Feets
9. Kevin
8. Skunk Ape
7. Dude
6. Sasquatch
5. Abominable Snowman
4. Guy in a Gorilla suit
3.Yeti
2. Croatian
1. Dad
Kuchen
Jan 13, 2008
Kuchen for Liz
Here is my mom's recipie for Kuchen (pronounced kugen). The name just means cake, but in our family it always means this coffee cake. It's been handed down for generations, spanning the last few hundred years. Hence it is not a terribly sweet cake.
The Crust
1 pkg. dry yeast 1/4 cup lukewarm water
1 cup milk 1/2 cup shortening
1 tablespoon salt 1 egg
1/2 cup water 1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon (optional but yummy) 4 cups flour or more
Dissolve the package of yeast in the 1/4 cup of lukewarm water. Set aside in a warm place. Put 1 cup milk, 1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup shortening, and 1 tablespoon salt in a saucepan and bring it to a boil. Let cool to lukewarm and add 1 egg, 1/2 cup sugar and 1 teaspoon cinnamon. Add yeast mixture and flour to make a soft dough, just so you can knead it. Put in a greased bowl and cover with a towel. Let rise for about 1 hour, until it doubles. Knead down and let rise again. Separate into three parts and roll a 10 inch circle from 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick and place in a greased 9 inch cake pan, (remember the recipie makes three). Let the dough rise in the pan for 15 minutes.
Add a layer of fruit such as raisins, prunes, fresh apples, rhubarb...etc if you wish. The pour on the Filling.
The Filling
2 cups milk 1/2 cup sugar
4 Tbsp flour 1 egg
I use Wondra Quick Flour
Mix milk and flour well and boil until it thickens. Stir constantly.
Remove from heat and add 1 egg adn 1/2 cup sugar. Pour about 1/4 cup of the filling mixture into each crust. Sprinkle cinammon on top.
Bake at 350 degrees for about 25 to 30 minutes or until filling is set
Kuchen for Liz
Here is my mom's recipie for Kuchen (pronounced kugen). The name just means cake, but in our family it always means this coffee cake. It's been handed down for generations, spanning the last few hundred years. Hence it is not a terribly sweet cake.
The Crust
1 pkg. dry yeast 1/4 cup lukewarm water
1 cup milk 1/2 cup shortening
1 tablespoon salt 1 egg
1/2 cup water 1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon (optional but yummy) 4 cups flour or more
Dissolve the package of yeast in the 1/4 cup of lukewarm water. Set aside in a warm place. Put 1 cup milk, 1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup shortening, and 1 tablespoon salt in a saucepan and bring it to a boil. Let cool to lukewarm and add 1 egg, 1/2 cup sugar and 1 teaspoon cinnamon. Add yeast mixture and flour to make a soft dough, just so you can knead it. Put in a greased bowl and cover with a towel. Let rise for about 1 hour, until it doubles. Knead down and let rise again. Separate into three parts and roll a 10 inch circle from 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick and place in a greased 9 inch cake pan, (remember the recipie makes three). Let the dough rise in the pan for 15 minutes.
Add a layer of fruit such as raisins, prunes, fresh apples, rhubarb...etc if you wish. The pour on the Filling.
The Filling
2 cups milk 1/2 cup sugar
4 Tbsp flour 1 egg
I use Wondra Quick Flour
Mix milk and flour well and boil until it thickens. Stir constantly.
Remove from heat and add 1 egg adn 1/2 cup sugar. Pour about 1/4 cup of the filling mixture into each crust. Sprinkle cinammon on top.
Bake at 350 degrees for about 25 to 30 minutes or until filling is set
Easter thoughts
Mar 23, 2008
Easter thoughts
Current mood:adventurous
The physical
Ham is one of man’s greatest discoveries.
Green is the best color in the world. When the trees explode with leaves and the grass jumps from the ground the whole world is a joy.
The mental
Holding on to the joy of the physical world is one of the best ways to keep a positive outlook. Everyone who can should get out and walk every day during the spring just to hear the birds sing and smell the grass. I swear it makes the day better.
The religious
Sure it’s a day with religion at its center, so even the nonreligious should take a second to think about it. Why did Jesus die on the cross? Even if you don’t believe in religion I’m sure you can appreciate that he died as a symbol of change and peace. The religious interpretation is that he died for our sins and was resurected. I sometimes look at it as a tale about change. That he was washed clean by death of the old hating ways and brought back to show us all that there is life beyond hate. I’ll agree that he may never have really come back in a physical sense, but I do believe that his message and beliefs sowed the seeds of a change in the human heart. A belief that trying matters, that hope is something you work at and that change can happen. I only have to look at people such as Ghandi or Martin Luther King to see that. Take it or leave it.
Easter thoughts
Current mood:adventurous
The physical
Ham is one of man’s greatest discoveries.
Green is the best color in the world. When the trees explode with leaves and the grass jumps from the ground the whole world is a joy.
The mental
Holding on to the joy of the physical world is one of the best ways to keep a positive outlook. Everyone who can should get out and walk every day during the spring just to hear the birds sing and smell the grass. I swear it makes the day better.
The religious
Sure it’s a day with religion at its center, so even the nonreligious should take a second to think about it. Why did Jesus die on the cross? Even if you don’t believe in religion I’m sure you can appreciate that he died as a symbol of change and peace. The religious interpretation is that he died for our sins and was resurected. I sometimes look at it as a tale about change. That he was washed clean by death of the old hating ways and brought back to show us all that there is life beyond hate. I’ll agree that he may never have really come back in a physical sense, but I do believe that his message and beliefs sowed the seeds of a change in the human heart. A belief that trying matters, that hope is something you work at and that change can happen. I only have to look at people such as Ghandi or Martin Luther King to see that. Take it or leave it.
In the beginning
From Jun 18, 2009
In the beginning
What captures a person's interest? It's rarely what you think it's going to be.
Bland or bold compliments wash over, but a misplaced dis can open up a world of possibilities.
How did I ever capture her? I think it was a crazy rant.
It was a Journalism as Literature class. I don't remember who we were discussing, but I remember my response.
"I don't buy into it that women and men are completely different. I think there's almost no difference. Physically there are a few bits and pieces, but we're all people. We think, we feel and we eat and we drink. Most everything else is enculturation. We are placed in our roles by our families and our society. And for tho most part we are happy to play them out.
But that doesn't mean that you have to. Many artists don't. I don't. I think if people get past the indoctrination you'll find that the woman or man you are trying to be with is just a person. And if you can connect there you'll find they aren't very different from you."
Quickly dismissed. Oh well.
In the corner this little red haired woman stared at me. I think maybe that's when Robyn noticed me.
Next class she became a one-minute friend before the class started. Saying hi and asking about homework. Then she became an hour friend and finally a daylong friend.
In the beginning
What captures a person's interest? It's rarely what you think it's going to be.
Bland or bold compliments wash over, but a misplaced dis can open up a world of possibilities.
How did I ever capture her? I think it was a crazy rant.
It was a Journalism as Literature class. I don't remember who we were discussing, but I remember my response.
"I don't buy into it that women and men are completely different. I think there's almost no difference. Physically there are a few bits and pieces, but we're all people. We think, we feel and we eat and we drink. Most everything else is enculturation. We are placed in our roles by our families and our society. And for tho most part we are happy to play them out.
But that doesn't mean that you have to. Many artists don't. I don't. I think if people get past the indoctrination you'll find that the woman or man you are trying to be with is just a person. And if you can connect there you'll find they aren't very different from you."
Quickly dismissed. Oh well.
In the corner this little red haired woman stared at me. I think maybe that's when Robyn noticed me.
Next class she became a one-minute friend before the class started. Saying hi and asking about homework. Then she became an hour friend and finally a daylong friend.
That moment (old myspace blogs)
From Dec. 2009
That moment
We all live in the world through our minds and our hearts but rarely do they speak with the same voice at the same time.
I remember one time when they both spoke with the same time and the world became one whole thing of feeling and mind. A perfect moment when everything came together and I could see with perfect clarity.
It didn't happen because I was trying or even at my firm control. It just happened.
I was on vacation in Oahu and I had just had lunch at the Crouching Lion Inn. As I walked through the parkng lot I stared across the two-lane highway and I could see a small beach down a small incline bracketed by some scrub trees. The band of bright blue water shimmered as it lapped up to the shore. The sun was just past its zenith in the sky and suffused everything with bright white light and a sultry warmth. I walked across the highway and down the incline and stood on the beach. And I knew that everything was perfect. Nothing was out of place. The world was one and I was one. That's the moment.
That moment
We all live in the world through our minds and our hearts but rarely do they speak with the same voice at the same time.
I remember one time when they both spoke with the same time and the world became one whole thing of feeling and mind. A perfect moment when everything came together and I could see with perfect clarity.
It didn't happen because I was trying or even at my firm control. It just happened.
I was on vacation in Oahu and I had just had lunch at the Crouching Lion Inn. As I walked through the parkng lot I stared across the two-lane highway and I could see a small beach down a small incline bracketed by some scrub trees. The band of bright blue water shimmered as it lapped up to the shore. The sun was just past its zenith in the sky and suffused everything with bright white light and a sultry warmth. I walked across the highway and down the incline and stood on the beach. And I knew that everything was perfect. Nothing was out of place. The world was one and I was one. That's the moment.
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